Youre Mother Wants to See You Again in Heaven
Written and shared with united states of america past our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you lot volition relate.
"She'll e'er be with you."
"You'll know she's there."
"She'll never really leave."
These are the very kind and infuriating things people accept said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. I needed to believe that this would be true. That equally she was dying in hospice, it would all exist ok because I would always feel her presence; I would plain receive letters from her. See, because if there was any female parent-girl combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between the states, it would be my mom and me.
We were extraordinarily shut. She was absolutely my all-time friend. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. Obviously, nosotros would keep in touch just like anybody said we would.
My mom was all those things. Apparently, though, she was non a Jedi. So imagine my surprise when my mom'south body finally took its last jiff and she did not immediately go one with the Strength all around me.
I didn't experience any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. I had spent every night in the hospice centre with her for a week straight, and of course, the one dark I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I learned almost it through a voicemail from my dad. I hadn't even woken up when the phone rang. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?
And then, who knows what happened those next few days. There was a memorial service. There was a slide show. There was a luncheon. In that location were people. So many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me.
But I didn't.
Then I went to a psychic medium. Three times. Mom came through. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. Told me to quit drinking diet soda. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to cease looking then difficult for signs.
I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Perchance if I prayed for her, if I meditated on information technology, I'd feel her.
I put faith in talismans. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I got two tattoos to get closer to her. I adept playing her piano. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I'd experience her.
I saw xanthous flowers everywhere. I saw white moths everywhere. I stopped drinking nutrition soda. I addressed the thoughts in my caput to my mom. I prayed and meditated. I wore her ring. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I played her favorite songs.
But I just couldn't feel her. What I felt was defective. I certainly couldn't acknowledge to people that my mom had not "reached out" to me. Was our relationship not equally close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn't hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I got a third tattoo rapidly followed by a quaternary one — a large tattoo with two xanthous flowers and a white moth.
While I love my grief tattoos and the story they tell, a story of a daughter who desperately wants to be every bit shut to her mother every bit possible, I still don't feel my mom.
Every bit the years have passed by, I feel less shame about this. I'm non the but one, information technology turns out, who hasn't been able to "feel" their loved i. Information technology turns out, none of us is a Jedi. I miss her. I miss her in a fashion that I didn't know was possible. I feel so far from her. And that's when I feel her.
I experience her in the mode I tin can't feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, information technology is my longing that lets me feel her.
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Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/dont-feel-loved-ones-presence/
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